When Cesar Millan (one of my heroes) disciplines a dog that he is rehabilitating (or not) he lies the dog down until the dog relaxes… just like another pack member would do.
– How do you know that the dog is relaxed and has given in?
Quite simple really: it is when you hear the animal give a deep long sigh.
Well, I am not a dog…… but I can relate to the sigh… Indeed, I have, yet again, been struggling with my inner demons…
– Why, thank you very much for that, precious!
– Yes, thank you! Such a good friend you are…
You see, what did I tell you?
Anyway, the struggle went on for months until it became pure chaos and I could not find the exit – as usual. The thing is that life is a huge influence, whether you like it or not… or a bully.
– Now, that is not politically correct!
– Catscious’s right, for once, you should not joke around with that word…
Look who’s talking; I mean really, you are going to give me lessons on what word I should – or should not – use… You! The two perfect “bully-angels” hammering me over and over until I am too fed up to fight back?
– Now, wait a minute missy!
– We are no bullies and we are not hammering nobody…
– We’re just joking around.
Then be quiet for a change I am trying to make a freaking point!
From Utter Chaos
As I was saying, life IS a bully because until you do what you are supposed to do – be it full-time or not – it won’t let you rest. It will keep nagging at you, push you around, laugh at you even.
– No way, life’s not like that. SHE is the good cop!
Hmm… in my case, life has chosen the weirdest, chattiest, most annoying characters as “bullies”: ONE would not have been enough – no, sir! – No! I’ve got two of them stuck in my head and they can talk for hours and I am not allowed a word… so I speak at the same time: it is such a hubbub that nobody understands us and we don’t hear anybody. In other words: UTTER CHAOS!
But I am not here to complain, on the contrary… I have to tell and share my “aha! moment” with you. Hopefully, you’ll find it interesting; if not, you can just skip the reading and go straight to Gollum’s clip fighting himself; right on topic I’d say.
I used to say that what I do is not who I am. This basically means that what I do has taken over who I am since I started working about three years ago. As a faithful reader, you have undoubtedly noticed that I am around but I don’t write much anymore. This put me in a situation where I no longer have control over who I am therefore it has put me into a slightly depressed state of mind at times. I have tried to convince myself that I do not like what I do because it is not who I am, but it does not work that way. One does not need to exclude the other which took me a while to realize.
– What are you talking about?
– She is babbling again…
– She wants us to feel sorry for her.
– She just needs attention and now she is talking about herself again.
Alright, alright! “Give us a chance precious”!
– Well, go on then!
I have come to my senses, or rather my senses have kicked me hard and long enough on the head for me to wake up. I actually like what I do, even though it is not always a stroll in the park to work in customer service. I like it though because it gives me another kind of purpose that does not only revolve around my person. It helps keep my narcissism at bay and this is healthy.
– It might be so, but…
– You mostly forgot about us and it hurts.
Sorry you guys, but what’s wrong for you is right for me… and let me add that this might be a positive way of having you grow into better versions of yourselves… therefore, I can be a better version of MYSELF.
– A bit presumptuous thinking…
– You are assuming that you can influence US even though, we all know that it is the other way around.
Is it really?
To Sigh of Relief
Anyhow, I am fine with the fact that I like what I do; however, I need to find the right balance to allow who I am to thrive. I am still working on it, but the fact that I am writing to and with you is proof enough that I am on the right path.
– Right, right, right…. you are repeating yourself.
Freelance writing as a full-time profession is – or was – very appealing, but the market is looking for a type of writers I do not belong to. In order to belong, I would have to change my way of writing and possibly thinking. It is doable, mind you, the only problem is that I like the way I write and the way I think… I am not willing to sacrifice this to fit in. For the first time, I have acknowledged this and feel good about it. No matter what being a freelance writer means, I am one even if I do not make a living out of it. I am not earning a penny out of my writing, but I get something far more substantial: YOU, the reader.
So, I was driving to work, and these thoughts started popping up. I felt a big smile on my face and I said to myself – and to Hope and Catscious, my other “me:s” – I like my job; I like what I do, but I won’t allow it to define who I am. However, who I am has gotten richer because of what I do. The SIGH OF RELIEF that came after that was my “aha! moment”. Get it? I have been fighting a concept “what I do” believing that it was plan B and that plan A “who I am: the writer” had to come first – mainly due to the letter order… what if plan B actually was plan A all along, to allow plan A – which really is plan B – to be? I have to do what I do to be who I am and who I am to do what I do… gosh it’s good to be back!
The other day, my husband told me something that strengthened this epiphany: “I used to say that I have still not lived the best moments of my life. I realized, however, that I was already living the best moments of my life ever since I’ve met you.” He called me while on his way home to tell me that because he could not wait to tell me. Oh, shocking! I feel exactly the same way and probably became conscious of it while having my “aha! moment” too.
Finally, we all are, to some degrees, a bit schizophrenic. I believe that it keeps our creativity sharp and alert. Hope and Catscious – my “bully-angels”, my “inner-demons”, my Gollums – are me… and I am Hope and Catscious… and we are a Clark!