“It felt like I’d never be cheerful again”
Let’s recapitulate… I’ve been on sick leave for about seven months (in a few weeks) and as I look back on that period, I remember feeling like nothing would feel good again. Ron Weasley in “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” said: “It felt like I’d never be cheerful again.” I know what that’s like. I was down and could not pick myself up. I had a few things going for me, though.
An unfaltering support system
First and foremost, my husband has been my rock – still is – then, my friends have been a tremendous help and support system; I do include the dogs in this: Torsten, Smilla and Ewell. My family, and especially my parents, have strengthened the help with their own support; finally, I was lucky enough to have a great doctor and a very talented therapist – whom I am still seeing. This was my immediate physical environment but something was terribly lacking: music. I have recently realised how much I suffered from that. No matter the fact that it was a symptom of my illness and that I had to give it time, I can say today that it has affected me deeper than I could ever tell you.
I was frail in my head and the tears ran freely when the slightest interference in how I could bear things came my way. I travelled to see my family, in December 2015, and it did me good, but I had a long way to go and I had no idea how to get there. I felt tired and angry, mostly with myself for I did not feel any change. A chaotic chaos had taken hold of me since October and I had so much trouble shaking it off. It was taking forever and I felt bad about it until I didn’t anymore. I went back to France in March on my own and that was the turning point I believe.
The missing piece of my therapy
Music was coming back to me, slowly and not every day. At times, I could only listen to my favorite soundtracks as long as there was no singing, then I was fine. But I knew it eventually would and I was really expecting Europe and Kamelot to work their magic on me like they had in the past. It was not them, however, who opened the door I was desperately longing for. Poets of the Fall did better yet, they unlocked my inspiration and re-showed me the world in a way. It was like I had a new pair of eyes, but at the same time, it was the same. I could see myself clearer and started to take the world in again. Now, all I think about is writing. It is true that I write a lot about them because it makes me happy to do so. I also know that this is part of my process, though I have a feeling that it will not stop.
Anyway, I’ve made tremendous progress during my recovery, and I am not at the end of the tunnel yet, but I am seeing the light ahead (and no, it is not a train!) It is a good feeling and I am proud of myself for my accomplishment – both spiritual and hmm spiritual. Soon, I will see my colleagues again and start my new duties, little at a time. I do hope to be back on track with both my feet by the end of the year. Something is certain, however, I will not rush anything. I come first in everything I do.
I played with the idea of gathering my absolute favorite titles in a playlist (I love my playlists), and it was almost not difficult to pick from Europe and Kamelot. Unfortunately, when it came to Poets of the Fall I am just hopeless and really I cannot choose. I did choose but did not stay my hand and went a bit, how should I put this, wild. So, in the end, my playlist has about 54 tracks and is four hours and nine minutes long. Instead of giving you a list that you won’t care for anyway, here are a few of songs that are inspiring me today and make me feel like dancing or something. Somehow, it is all about freedom!