This post might sound like self-pity and if it does, then please feel free to just move on… However, I need to stress that sometimes one needs to get thoughts of confusion and doubt out of one’s system to enable the healing process to continue. These thoughts have weighed on me for some time now, and it is only today that I managed to put them in writing.
This is no self-pity but self-healing.
As far as I can remember, music has been a part of my life; even more so, it has been a part of who I am… I suppose that it still is and yet, ever since I got sick with “exhaustion syndrome” I am unable to listen to music… at least, in the way I used to – that is to say, all the time and all day long – I can hear and bear music when it is soft and undynamic, in other words, uninteresting; and also when it is part of a movie, but that is about it. I guess my soul is on life support, with the bare minimum to keep it sane and not starving. Of course, there are other types of food that my soul feeds on, but they are not feeding that particular spot of my soul… this part is barely alive.
I try, now and then, to listen to my favorite music (Europe, a-ha, Kamelot, Dream Theater, Shinedown, etc…) it worked a couple of days with a-ha; then I went and took pictures of my husband’s band during rehearsal and I felt fine, or so I thought. Unfortunately, it would seem that the music hit me harder than anticipated. From the next day, I could not bear listening to music again. I got irritated, anxious even. A few days ago, I tried watching a Europe concert on DVD that I was very much looking forward to; I became angry, I got a bit dizzy and nauseous, until I stopped the music, went out to breathe some fresh air… I was “alright” again. I mean that I had no more physical symptoms, but I assure you that this made me very sad – not to the point of tears, though. As my doctor says: “It will come, just be patient!“
“Music is to the soul what words are to the mind.“
The same way my soul is starved for music, my mind is getting thinner by the minute for I cannot read as often as I like… there are periods of time when I cannot read at all without having to read a sentence ten times to be able to understand the meaning of it and I am not talking about big, classy, and complicated literature here. I have many new books that I wish to read, but I cannot. More than just read, I need and want to write, yet, as you probably noticed, I had a surge of writing spree in November and the beginning of December, then I just couldn’t write anymore.
“True healing comes by the Nourishing of the mind, the body AND the soul.“
So I am wondering if I am really on the right path of healing… I mean, I live on tofu which indicates that I get what my mind and soul need to stay alive, but they are not really satisfied as far as I am concerned. As long as satisfaction is absent, how am I ever to get better? At the same time, one of my good friends told me the other day (just like my doctor did) to be patient, music will come back to me.
What am I to do? I know I need patience, and yet, I feel like I have run out lately.
Wishing you all a Happy Christmas with your loved ones!
Related Page: SERIES: LIKE HE SAID!