Do you ramble?
You know when the voice in your head – sounding like your own – is constantly talking and poking you, that’s what I call “ramble”. The voice that wants you to go right but you’d like to go left instead; the voice that grabs you by the collar and says: “No, no, not this way! That way!” No matter how strong you are, the voice always gets its way… Well, anyway, I had a dream the other day while I was wide awake and I thought I would write it down so I’d get rid of the noisy chatter in my head.
Oh my God! said I, is this really how things are? I am standing in front of an audience of ghosts whom I cannot see. They all are translucid and I cannot see the expressions on their faces when I babble on about me, myself and I; I cannot hear their comments when I share my thoughts on what matters to me… the ghosts in front of me are just blankly staring at me and yet I don’t see them. It is very frustrating but in the end, I am only talking to myself, am I not.
A few minutes later, I realise that I am standing in front of mirrors. I see myself and the wild palette of my emotions looking back at me. What does it tell you? As I stand outside while snowflakes are silently falling in the courtyard, an idea strikes me: nobody hears me… nobody reads me… and suddenly I start laughing. I realize how insignificant such a fact is. I realize for the first time in my life – or at least as far as I can remember – that it is not important. I am not lonely nor am I alone, my voices are loud in my head and they are all… well, me.
I am selfish and proud to be so. I write for myself so that I can better decipher the complexity of who I am, but mostly because it brings me joy to play with words and put out ridiculous scenarios into words play. It is not complicated really… it just is and this means that I am rambling yet again, making me look very self-centered. Who cares?
At the same time, I am annoyed at the “non-readers”, as I call them. In the sea of blogs that are flooding the net, my own is insignificant because it does not deal with gossip or world news. Insignificant because what I write is uninteresting and unimportant to the mass readers/bloggers that exist out there. I do not write about how to do this or that; I do not write about how to write; I do not write for the general population whose concerns do not go further than the tip of their noses. Do not interrupt even if I ramble, I write for myself so it matters not that very few read my stuff. At the same time, I am human so it does matter… hence the annoyance coming and going without a warning.
At the end of the day, however, I am proud of myself, of what and how I write. I don’t care that I don’t fit in with the way things work, I know there is nothing wrong with me though and I am proud. All in all, I am mostly talking to myself which is not weird at all considering… I am talking nonsense again but if you think for one minute that I am taking myself seriously, you’re completely mistaken. I really like my own duality, it gives an edge to my treasured weirdness. I love that I contradict myself, mostly all the time because it is how I move forward… and I do like it the voice in my head rambles.
This post did not turn out the way I thought it… it sounded different in my head. By the way, this did not help the chatter in my head to go silent… quite the opposite actually!